And now for some koalas

When a picture is worth a thousand words

I don't know if it is that time of year.  I don't know if it is that time of the month (seriously, I cannot keep track of that stupidness).  But I do know that this has been a year of resigning myself to certain facts.

For instance, I've resigned myself to the fact that life will never be as I never imagined it.  When you suffer from depression, you don't really have hopes and dreams.  In 7th grade I did.  I wanted to live in Washington DC, work for USA Today, live in Georgetown and drive a BMW.

Obviously, that never happened.  And really, I am glad it never did.  Because geez, would I have ever ended up in St Louis, married to the best man ever, with a son I love more than life itself?  Nope.

After being through financial turmoil, mainly of my own doing, some stuff just does not matter.  I don't need clothes from a certain store.  I don't need to have all the latest this, that and the other.  Maybe a good camera and a decent haircut.  And a unique car.  But really, that is it.  Sure, I love a perfectly cooked dinner or an old wine, or even a good wine.  But I love fries from McDonald's with a medium chocolate shake too.

I've forced myself to not repeat some of the thinking that REBT therapy calls "stinkin thinkin."  It's the stuff that screws you up and inevitably leads to depression, all emotionally-based thoughts.  They just snowball and destroy you in an avalanche of negativity.  Like worrying about why people (like parents and friends) don't care about me the way I care about them.  Before, this used to destroy me.  I beat myself up over it constantly.  

Now, after a lot of conditioning, I know that sheesh, I am not the center of the universe.  People don't care about every little thing I think or say or feel.  They have their own stuff going on.  It's not a reflection on me, it's just the way things are.  No biggie.

Nothing will ever turn out the way I have it planned in my head, and that is okay.  Sometimes reality is better.  Sometimes it is worse.  No biggie.

I've learned that sometimes people don't appreciate me, or get me.  And it's not my fault.  I'm not a weirdo.  I don't need to live up to their expectations.  I'm okay the way I am, which is perfectly imperfect.  For crap's sake, God loves me and accepts me, why the fuck can't you?  It's not always me.  It's me a lot of the time, but not always.  That took a long time to figure out.  No biggie.

It seems like over the past year, I have realized things.  I've realized I care too much about whatever job I am doing, and beat myself up if I'm not doing it perfectly.  Like, pretty bad.  Even if it is Target.  After my health suffered, I realized it was not worth it.  Most people would have realized it in a few weeks.  It took me almost three years.

This is where Mark is so awesome.  He realizes things a lot quicker than I do.  He thinks a lot more clearly than I do.  A month into my current job, he told me I should quit.  The place was a loony bin.  I told him that I didn't think so.  I thought the problem was me.  I care too much, and it kills me when I don't perform up to my own expectations  I said that I needed to stay in the situation to prove to myself I could overcome it.

Today, I realized I couldn't.  I was dismissed summarily and it shocked me.  It hurt.  It broke me.  But then I started thinking a little more clearly.  I took a step back and looked at things.  For the first time, instead of just leaving in a huff, I calmed down and stayed.  Of course, after it was time to leave I sobbed uncontrollably and asked Mark what to do.  He told me to just come on home.  That sounded perfect.

During the drive home, I thought.  And I decided.  I'm not looking at the situation as one that has to be defeated.  I'll go in tomorrow, see if things are better.  If they aren't, well, depending on how bad or good it goes, I'll go back again Friday, or I won't.  And you know what?  Either way is okay.  

I'm never going to be everything that is expected of me.  If it is what my father expected, or my mother expected, or what I expected.  I mean, for crap's sake.  I'm 37 on Friday.  What I am is what I am.  And what I am is okay.  I'm not the best, I'm not the worst.  I'm mediocre, and that is awesome.

PS:  Don't worry, I am not a communist.

Judge Not... something something something something

First off, let me just say that wow... if you want to see some horrible clip art and the like, do a Google search for "Pearly Gates."  On with the show...

Every year or so, I go on a rant about judgement.  OMG!  Our lives are filled with this crap.  Filled.  With.  It.  And you know, I am super-duper judgemental in a surface-y way.  Like if you wear pants, and tuck in your shirt, and I can see belt loops, but no belt, I immediately conclude you must be some kind of freaking moron.  

If you're quiet, I don't trust you.  Must be hiding something.  If you make grammatical errors, my respect level drops, even though I am sure I mess up punctuation all the time.  Maybe I should say "spelling errors" instead.  Because wow, if you cannot spell basic words correctly, I am pretty sure you are what they call "too smart by half."  I judge the way people dress too.  WEAR CLOTHES THAT FIT, that is all I ask.  Is it too much?  In the summer, YES.  

In line at Six Flags, I would just judge judge judge.  Why is that lady so miserable?  OMG!  Did that woman just give up?  Did she just give up her femininity when she threw on those crocs, swimsuit and fanny pack?  Or high school kids interacting with their chums.  Once, in a long line for The Boss, these kids were full-on making out in line.  It was just ridiculous.  I kept wanting to say something, but no too much.  The best was when the line moved a good 20 yards ahead, and they were sill making out.  I totally tapped them on the shoulder and was all "uh, the line moved."  Subtle, not really.  I think they were a bit humiliated, but I found it funny.

If you spit, just ick.  No tolerance for that at all.  At.  All.  If you are a man and order a frozen strawberry daiquiri in the middle of winter, watch out.  I will make sure you see me laughing at you. 

For the most part, I find it harmless.  A lot of times, I wonder if people know they are so dorky, and that is when Mark tells me, "Well, you don't."  Touche, Mr. Mark.  Touche.  I'm aware I judge superficial things, but figure it is okay since deep down, I really am a caring person.

But watch out if that caring is taken advantage of.  I am not the turn-the-other-cheeker I should be, by any stretch of the imagination.  I give a few chances, and basically say I've got your back until you go behind mine.  Before, I would worry so much.  So, so much.  I still remember people telling me I would not be depressed if I loved Jesus more.  Real nice to say to a hurting 15-year-old.  People saying horrible things behind my back that I thought were friends.  People I trusted breaking that trust in horrible ways.  For the most part, I'm over it.  If I sit and think about it too much, it hurts, but not like it once did.  I don't let the hurt consume me any more.

It feels good to let that go.  I remember when I was younger, I would wish so badly that I could change myself, change aspects of my personality.  I just wanted to stay under the radar, to blend in.  I always joke that it took me going off to boot camp, a place where you are identified mainly by number, that I would never, could never be just a number.  I stuck out like a sore thumb, in (mostly) good ways.

As an adult, I've had to go against the grain and let go of relationships.  Sometimes they just are not good.  Not everyone is going to like me.  Not everyone is going to be proud of me.  Not everyone wants to love me back as much I love them.  Before, this was a tremendous source of pain, now... not so much.  It's okay not to be liked, or normal, or whatever.  If people don't get it, it's on them, not me.  Sometimes, we forget that.  After all, the people that I truly care about and deeply love, I know they love me.  

Enough with all the self-affirmation crap.  This is really a bunch of things rolled into one, and for that I apologize, but after the holidays and all that craziness, I just wanted to let you know that I like you for you.  I don't care what phone you have, what car you drive, what school you went to, how well your kids are doing, how well they are not doing, how much you make or don't make, I just dig you.  Or I don't.  And I hope you dig me too.

picture: http://thatdianne.files.wordpress.com

Ketchup! Happy 2012!

2012 marked our second annual New Year's Eve bash with our old neighbors from across the street, and although this picture is missing a few of the revelers, good times were had by all.  This year, we decided to make it a huge PJ party, so everyone was decked out in their comfiest nighties for a fun evening.

Mark killed it on the food front.  I mean, he KILLED IT.  BBQd lil smokies, nacho dip, bagel bites, chips, more dips, it was perfect.  Even better, Amanda brought yummy sammiches and some buffalo chicken dip, so things were basically perfect.

Pieper was sweet enough to bring her new game for Wii, SingIt or something, and once we turned the theater speakers on, many classic renditions were created.  Bub sang "Dynomite" by Taio Cruz, his favorite song, Mark sang beautifully, and I butchered "OMG" by Usher.  It was a lot better hearing the kids, believe me.

Once the countdown started, we gave the kids who were still awake (see, PJ party was an EXCELLENT IDEA!) sparkling grape juice in nice glasses and noisemakers.  Cheers and noise ensued, the neighbors had an impromptu fireworks show and plans for a wonderful 2012 were made.  Here's to health, happiness and friends!

Ketchup! Christmas 2011!

Okay, you guys ready?  Here we go!  Please to enjoy the 2011 Christmas Tree...

And now some pictures from the holidays...

And of course, the famous "meteor"

Ketchup! The Drive to Work!

So I'm working at a small tech-y type e-commerce company up yonder in Louisiana, Missouri.  It's 45 minutes north of Troy on the Mississippi.  As the days get longer, and the weather gets better I am hoping to take more pictures, but here are a few for now.

The cool thing about the drive is that there are all sorts of silly ways I can take.  My favorite way is to hop on Highway 61, then take a right on Highway NN and follow it until it spits out at Highway 54.  (Look on a map.)  NN is like my own personal Nurburgring.  There is little to no traffic and lots of hills and curves.  Fun driving and the best 15 minutes of my commute.  I see all sorts of dogs, cats and deer, mostly alive.  Here are some photos from just the other day...

I get kicked out right at the Stark Brothers Nurseries, a company that's been around since the 1890s and of which my company is actually an offshoot.  Cannot wait until spring and planting time!

This is the type of day I cannot stand, though... blech.

Ketchup! Halloween!

Starting a new feature here called "Ketchup!"  It's me trying to figure out if I took pictures with my phone or with my camera and then finally getting them uploaded to flickr and then blam!  Appearing here.  I just finished September to January, so get ready!  Anyhoo, here is Halloween!  Bub had great fun with his buddies, and we did a fun 5k TRICK OR TREAT FUN RUN.  That was interesting.  Good times.  Bub was a Zombie Ninja.

I hate the kitchen

But I don't think anyone appreciates how much it hates me back.  I have not ventured back into the kitchen since the week of my double disaster about a month ago... first, I could not complete the french toast Mark had prepped for me (I soaked it way too long in the egg, it was a mess) and then I tried to make grilled cheese for Bub.  Too much butter was the culprit, apparently, but whatever.  I hate the kitchen.

So tomorrow is BRING A COOKIE AND A RECIPE TO WORK day.  So I figured I would do boiled cookies.  You take sugar, condensed milk and margarine, throw it in a pot, bring it to a boil and then put in cocoa, peanut butter, a smidge of vanilla and quick oats and drop it on wax paper.  One time a few years ago, I made it and forgot to put in sugar.  I realized this after I handed one to Bub and he immediately threw it up all over the floor.  This time I paid very close attention, except I used butter instead of margarine.  Disaster.  The mix was way to dry, I can taste the grains of sugar, I don't know what the hell difference it makes, using butter instead of margarine, but whatever, apparently it is huge.  

Well, I figured, what other recipes do I have that are easy?  Oh, I know!  I have one where all you do is take two Ritz crackers, spread peanut butter between them, and then dip them in chocolate-flavored almond bark that you melt in the microwave.  Then let them cool. So simple.  Or not.  I put spray butter in the pan I used to melt the almond bark.  And apparently spray butter makes almond bark act all weird and pasty.  AWESOME.  I told Mark I thought it had gone bad, because I had not figured out my mistake yet.  He kindly went to Kroger, which was out, and then WalMart, which was a zoo.  He brought it home, I melted the almond bark by itself and them BAM!  It was perfect, or at least a lot better than the other option.

I attempted Rum Balls, but am so shook up over everything else that I do not want to finish them.  Not today anyway.  They need to ferment for a while anyway, and the website I looked at said it was better to refrigerate the dough before rolling the balls anyway, so that is what will be happening.  For crap's sake.

photo: some other cooking disaster, found at http://hungryhinny.files.wordpress.com

snow

So this morning I get in the car and notice it is cold.  No biggie.  Then I notice a few flurries.  You know when you see just one every other minute or so?  Okay.  I can handle that.  I crossed Cuivre River and noticed a bit of snow sticking to the edge of the bridge.  Seriously, I got this!

Then I started driving north on Highway 61 to work.  Like almost an hour north.  It was getting worse and worse.  Now, usually I turn off early and do my favorite 10 or so windy miles on Highway NN, but today I wanted to take no chances, so I exited at Bowling Green.  Never mind that it was the WRONG EXIT.  I was one exit short.  I had no idea how far I was from the highway I needed to be on.  So instead of 10 treacherous miles, I did seven or so terrifying miles on GRAVEL ROADS.  THAT WERE STEEP.  AND HILLY.  AND ENDED IN VARIOUS RAVINES.  AND WERE 100% snow and ice covered.  Sometimes I am so dumb.

But perhaps it was a good thing I missed my exit as there was apparently a terrible wreck there, about the time I should have been there.  That is what led to this picture, taken on Highway 54 as I was pulled over and a Pike County Sheriff's deputy zoomed by going in the opposite direction.

I will say this:  those Swedes know how to build a car that handles in the snow.  Suvi Saab did a great job and I love her WINTER function.  She makes me feel very safe and those seat warmers are HOT in a minute or two!  Hope you all are staying safe in the snow.

christmas: part two

The Boyds Bears are taking over, as I mentioned on facebook.  Two of three trees are up.  This year, I did a tri-tree, which I will explain in a later post (you just have to stay tuned).  Things started going better once I started digging around.  I found a lot of what I was looking for without completely destroying the living room, as I usually do.

Here you see our stockings, hung from the floating shelf with care.  I'm snapping pictures with my camera phone and not getting quite the quality I want, so when things are done, I'll bust out the real camera, take a few pictures and put them up for you to gaze at in amazement.

Still left are the Nativity, the Salt Lamp, the Advent Wreath and the Memory Tree.  We're getting close.  Oh!  And Christmas cards are going out this week.  Hooray!

christmas: part one

This time of year, we all start to see posts from friends of gorgeous homes decked out for the Holidays.  Well, this year, we are going behind the scenes.  Usually, I am pretty dang organized.  But last year, working at Target sucked every last bit of joy and energy out of me.  I only put up one tree.  Mark barely put up lights.  It was just one big BAH!  HUMBUG!

This year is going wonderfully, unless you count the decorations.  Every single one.  You see, a few years ago, we bought some blue and cool white c9 LED lights for outside.  Since then, we have never found them again, and don't come at me with the whole c9 replacement bulbs that can be put on stringers.  They simply no longer exist.  That's a bummer when you want some more.  Anyhoo, Mark put up a gorgeous display outside and we ended up okay.

Our prelit tree, about four years old and a slim cashmere model, so handy dandy for our old rental home and even more so here in the villa was getting awful dusty, so we set it outside.  Then we brought it inside.  Then we plugged it in.  Nothing.

We tried different sections.  Still nothing.  So you know what we did?  We took off the lights.  It took Mark and I a combined three hours to get them all off the tree, and it was not simple.  In a cup of eggnog half-full type view, we did replace them with warm white LEDs and it looks great.

Next, I went downstairs to get the small fiber optic tree that belonged to Mark's mother and that we have always decorated as the "Memory Tree" with special ornaments we have gathered over the years.  It no longer works, even if you change the bulb.  Not sure what we are going to do about that yet.

Well, if that one did not work, why not pull the $9.99 el cheapo 6ft tree out of the basement?  That tree is traditionally "John's Tree" and is filled with ornaments that are his and his alone.  I noticed part of the base had come apart, so I picked up the wayward piece and headed upstairs.

I slid the piece of the base back in and noticed it was a bit cracked.  That kinda stunk.  Then I set the tree upright and set about finding the end of the light string to plug it in.  CRASH!  The base cracked further and the tree fell over.  Worse, the strings of lights on that tree?  Dead.  We will be filling up the Christmas Light Recycling Bin at WalMart  OURSELVES this year.  I have at least six strings that no amount of bulb-pushing or fuse-replacing will bring back.  BUMMER!

So the picture up there is where we stand right now.  IN A FREAKING MESS.  Bub's Tree will be reduced from six feet to two, and the Memory Tree will be resurrected.  Just give me a day or two, kay?

cute! christmas is a month away edition

first grade... so far.

First grade seems to be treating Bub well for the most part.  He received straight A's on his first report card, which shocked and delighted us.  His reading skills are growing every day and hearing him recite the poem about selling seashells by the seashore is adorable.

Not so awesome?  Speed testing in math.  That means 13 problems that must be completed and correct in 60 seconds.  All of them.  If they are not all correct, you have to redo the test the next week and are not allowed to progress.  That's some pressure on a six year old, but he seems to be handling it well.

We just received his second report card, and while he slipped to a B+ in reading (which is odd, but I think has more to do with being stubborn than anything else) and music, he maintained all his other A's.

We're finding that Bub is pretty strong-willed, and yes... that is a euphemism for something else.  He's strong willed and definitely cut from the same cloth I am, but lucky for us, he's got a lot of Mark in him too.  Being a parent and trying to make life easier for your kid is a tough road sometimes, but I know if we keep at it, it will pay off in 20 years.  Maybe.  Right?  

what's making the cut...

Well, the fall schedule seems to be set in our household.  Here's a list of shows making the cut:


THE AMAZING RACE
Mark started me on this show when we got together, and the best part for us is watching how others handle stress and debating what we would do.  Lots of fun, and a cut above most other reality shows.


PAN AM
ABC's silly answer to MAD MEN.  This show is worth watching for the dresses alone.  The story seems to be pretty good, but ABC has a habit of cancelling shows we like (KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY/DIRTY SEXY MONEY).  So who knows...


MODERN FAMILY
The best comedy on TV right now, other than PARKS AND RECREATION.  Love it.


THE MIDDLE
This show dresses their set and actors with Target stuff, and usually I am not a fan of shows like this one, but THE MIDDLE is pretty dang real.  


GLEE
But just barely.  They are really pushing in a direction I do not care for.


2 BROKE GIRLS
A little forced, but once it finds its groove... it has a ton of potential (and more than WHITNEY, which tries WAY TOO HARD).


AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Just beyond anything I can describe, and the first few episodes are scary beyond belief.  Now that I have an idea of what is going on, I may not be so scared.  Never had to cover my eyes for a tv show before.  You have to watch it, I cannot begin to explain it.


THE WALKING DEAD
One of the best shows on TV.  It's on our BEST EVER LIST, and has filled the void LOST left behind.  Best drama and some of the best characters, but super-gory... as it should be.


THE OFFICE
I may be in the minority, but I like what they are doing since Michael left.  James Spader is hilarious in the most understated way possible.


PERSON OF INTEREST
A CBS procedural that I actually like!  Great concept, involvement of JJ Abrams of LOST, and Jim Caviziel or however you spell it.  He is yummy.


SURVIVOR
We quit watching a while ago, but the past two seasons, with Redemption Island in the mix, are awesome.  And Cochran, gotta love that kid.  A very interesting show that has really learned how to cast perfectly.


PARKS AND RECREATION
We've been watching since episode one, and it gets better every year.  Plus, there's Adam Scott, also yummy.


FAMILY GUY
I know, haters, I know... but it is laugh out loud funny.


TOP GEAR
On BBC America.  Not to be missed.